iLL WiLL PreSS :: Characters

: Foamy The Squirrel :

Germaine is a struggling writer and poet who lives in her own head. She twists reality in her mind to cope with its soul-crushing boredom. A pizza guy could be a stalker. A neighbor and his dog might be hunting a mythical squirrel—her pet. A boring coffee-house job? Way more fun with magically enhanced breasts. She writes her own reality and we're all just reading along... unfortunately, we're not sure who's writing whom.

The skinny waif riddled with anxieties or the unstable gothic bombshell who takes crap from no one? Any version could be the author of her story. Which one? Who knows... Her life is an open book, and we're all just reading along. Enjoy the ride.

: Pilz-E The Squirrel :

Pilz-E was discovered in one of Germaine's pill bottles after a shady N.Y. pharmacy visit. Always seeing things, never quite there, he babbles like a brain-broken child on crack with a side of insanity. What most people find normal, he sees as terrifying. Diagnosed with Eye-Stigmata, A-Gore-Aphobia, Slurred Speech, and Random Hallucinations. Side-effects? Too numerous to list. (78-page downloadable PDF in progress.)

: Begley The Squirrel :

Begley was in hiding for a while back in merry 'ol England after trying to assault The Queen with a hat stolen from the royal guard. He took refuge in the loft of a failing pizza delivery man, surviving on leftover crusts for over a year. When the pizza guy moved to America based solely on internet images of a girl, Begley was accidentally trapped in his suitcase and whisked away to N.Y.C., where he met Foamy & Germaine. Seems to REALLY like the band BABYMETAL & Anime.

The Hatta' doesn't trust anyone but himself. He grew up in a rough part of the city and spends his spare time writing letters to Congress to legalize marijuana. He also follows the career of Samuel L. Jackson with obsessive dedication. He takes crap from no one.

: Anderson "Anchovie" Allcock : The Pizza Dude :

Anchovie was a failing pizza delivery man in England. "30 minutes or less" became "two hours or more," and he ran out of pizza places willing to hire him. In a state of work-related depression, he found Germaine's profile on FaceNook and became obsessed. With no work left in England, he moved to the States to admire her from afar. Now that Germaine no longer lives in N.Y.C., his obsession has turned unstable. His name? It stuck because the odor of anchovies follows him like the plague.

: Franklin O'Kee : The Coffee-House Clerk :

An out-of-the-closet coffee-house clerk, Franklin's life is his work. He took great pride in being part of "Team Star-Schmucks" and reveled in the fast-paced coffee-slinging routine. No mere barista, Franklin earned several degrees in coffee preparation and graduated top of his class at Star-Schmucks University. Once a target of Foamy's corporate coffee rage, Franklin followed his dreams and opened his own gay-themed coffee house called "The Rainbow Grind." He’s still searching for his soul mate, and since leaving Star-Schmucks, Foamy seems to treat him with a bit more respect... a bit.

: Lucretia Darkmoore :

A former “owner” of Foamy who actually listened to Foamy's logic, and pulled herself out of depression, sorrow and all sorts of darkness with his advice. Though pulling herself out of the darkness is not quite accurate, as she dove head first into it and beat it into submission. She controls the darkness like a fidget spinner and it bends to her whims.

Plagued with health issues, she has literally died 3 times, and has seemed to pull from the shadows a little friendly spirit named Warden. She dabbles in the dark arts when she sees fit and runs a small bookshop filled with rare volumes and tomes from various eras in human history. Her private collection is filled with numerous books of the occult, spells, and witchcraft, which she puts to good use when needed.

She tends to keep to herself but can be rather forward and direct when dealing with people. She doesn't do small talk and prefers long discussion about the human mind, and the meaning of life. A little too thinky for most of her peers.

She has an attraction for a particular individual named Aldritch Arthur, a childhood friend who's been there for all of her ups and downs. Unfortunately he doesn't seem to have an interest in her as far as relationships go, but she keeps trying to entice him with overtly obvious innuendo, revealing clothing and the occasional love potion.

Life-long friend of Lucretia, Arthur spends his time curating rare oddities and minor restoration of ancient artifacts in a museum in NYC. He is a well read individual, kind, honest and generally a good person, though his tastes in literature and music tend to lean towards the more macabre. He and Lucretia seem to spend a lot of time together. Even though Arthur thinks of Lucretia as a sister, that doesn't seem to stop her from trying to start a relationship with him. Curia (Lucretia's half-sister) has an interest in Arthur and has been working behind the scenes to usurp Lucretia's advances. It's complicated.

Curia is Lucretia's half sister. Though they have the same father, their mothers were polar opposites. Oddly, both mothers passed away, and unfortunately seemed to have passed on some curious genes. Where as Lucretia has been stricken with a disease of the heart, Curia was cursed with very brittle bones. Extremely fragile, stubbing her toe could fracture her entire foot.

Curia is VERY refined and seems to have lived beyond her years. She is always proper, polite, and cordial to all those around her. But don't mistake that for kindness. She generally finds most people to be very “common” and not of much value and can be very condescending if provoked by bad behavior. She has a general disdain for rude people and finds the current landscape of arts, media, and music to be drab and bereft of any true value. She has a penchant for old things from other times, she dresses as if she's from the 1940's, collects random objects from years gone by and has surrounded herself with trinkets from a time she did not exist.

But some of those trinkets do have unique properties. Whereas Lucretia has delved into the dark arts, Curia has immersed herself in the ancient technologies of people. Old sciences and gadgets forgotten by most, she spends her time unlocking those mysteries and discovering some rather unique effects.
She is not on the best of terms with Lucretia. They seem to have a rivalry of sorts and both tend to be bitter with each other. Curia lives on the Darkmoore estate monitoring things while their father is constantly away on business.

(She doesn't do much honestly, as her staff takes care of everything). Lucretia on the other hand didn't want to just sit in some luxurious home staring at dusty paintings and trinkets all day, and moved to an apartment in NYC where she runs her occult bookshop. Though she generally doesn't like that stuffy environment Curia dwells in, she'll never turn her nose at the trust fund in her name. .

Very chill, all about coffees and teas, Bean moved to a remote island for a job, and to get away from their less-than-enlightened family, and now works at the Rainbow Grind, the first indie coffee house opened by Franklin O'Kee! (The rent was cheap). They live a simple life and enjoy themed days at the cafe, like Cat-Girl Tuesdays or Furry Fridays. Though the island isn't very populated, their dedication to the craft of beverage making has made return customers of the entire island.

: Joanna "Mutie" Jooles :

The definition of “eyes up here”, Joanna was blessed (or cursed) with some large “assets.” Daily back pain and unwavering stares has kept Joanna somewhat secluded, though she did have a thing with the pizza dude for awhile. She is mute by way of an awful event she doesn't really discuss, but has eluded to the constant trouble her endowments seem to get her into. She wavers back and forth between wanting to have them surgically reduced or just accept with how she is.

An aspiring novelist with an odd obsession for waffles, Salt lives in a storage unit in N.Y.C. He spends most of his time writing and reselling thrift store treasures online. His childhood was marred by bullying due to his bizarre voice, which hasn’t changed since age 12. He reluctantly took Foamy in after finding him living in his PO Box, and now deals with his antics daily—at least for now.

: Sue Z. June : (Pronounced Sue Zee June)

Sue Z doesn't say much... if anything. She's a mute by choice, with the only words ever spoken being, "I don't speak because no one listens." A well-versed hacker, she communicates mostly by text and has a penchant for shocking people with a taser. She use to spends most of her days at a local record shop, acting as a bouncer and kicking out unruly hipsters. She founded "Bones & Shadows," a roller derby team of extremely tough women, they take pride in the number of opponents hospitalized over the years. Former room mate of Salt Forester, she has since moved to a remote island to live a peaceful life away from most of society. She currently spends her time helping out locals on the island, frequents a coffee shop where Bean works and makes a living as the islands only delivery service. Think Uber Eats but with roller skates.

Rescued from a shelter by Jack Partfine, Roswell is neither thankful nor happy to deal with Partfine's Bigfoot, UFO, and ghost-hunting obsessions. A skeptic about everything—except Foamy. After spotting a recurring squirrel in Partfine’s old footage, Roswell is convinced Foamy is plotting world domination via logic-enforcing robots powered by the brains of his former owners. Proof? He’s working on it.

Much like Germaine, Jack Partfine couldn’t afford city living anymore—and Bigfoot sightings in Manhattan were slim. Immersed in cryptozoology, ufology, and the paranormal, he writes books and articles to fund his ghost-hunting habits. Hoping to enhance his search with canine senses, he adopted Roswell... who turned out to be a terrible hunting breed. Oh well, the truth is still out there.

The hardest working outsourced Indian on the planet, Mammed Udi ran 8 different tech-support hotlines, a suicide hotline, a game-cheat hint hotline, and a variety of other phone-based help services. Sarcastic to his American customers, he has a knack for wasting time while offering no assistance. His recent separation from Dia sent him into a spiraling depression, but he did manage to sell off all of his support hotlines, earning enough money to literally buy a small island where he runs his own I.S.P. (It's not very good though). It's basically below dial-up.

Dia is a spiritually centered individual who left India in protest of her arranged marriage to Mammed Udi. Defying tradition, she moved to New York in search of a greater purpose than that of a housewife. Her parents are furious and she fears she may be hallucinating. The tofu is talking to her...

Dia discovered Tofu in an expired package. Whether he’s a figment of her imagination or a cosmic joke from bad karma, Tofu follows Dia around, curious about the world and its surroundings.

A quick-witted clerk at NYC’s indie record shop 4y-Records. Though the store teeters on financial collapse, its trove of rare records, memorabilia, games, and analog media draws a loyal global crowd. His abrasive personality is tolerated for access to the treasures within. He’s the ever-watchful guardian of musical collectibles, and the shop is a refuge from the digital age. His cash register may be haunted.

A seemingly inert series of companion desk robots gifted to cubicle workers worldwide by the ominous “Squirrelly Goodness” Toy Company. May cause cancer in California.

: Betty Bo'Qua "The Previous Owner" :

Foamy's previous owner was a strange individual obsessed with becoming an androgynous hybrid. Largely ignoring Foamy's logic, and through dark magic, became just that. Unfortunately, things did not go according to plan. She angered demonic entities and was bound to a horrific yearly ritual or risk being turned to dust. Foamy bailed, citing "total human idiocy," and lived in NYC parks until meeting Germaine. Betty now performs a one-person off-off-off Broadway burlesque act geared toward a fetish crowd. Her current pet is a mono-toned cat named Puff who likes music.

Betty's mono-toned cat. He sits around, listens to music, and meows a lot. It's a cat. What did you expect?

: More Character Info Soon :

10 years old and a bit of a misfit in her class, Germaine spends her time playing video games, goofing off, and just being a kid. After her father abandoned the family and her mother was deemed unfit, she moved in with her grandfather, Ollie. Un-phased by the upheaval, she roams NYC in search of urban treasure and candy store chaos—always accompanied by her faithful pet squirrel, Foamy!

: Foamy The Squirrel :

Not yet set on obliterating humanity, Foamy is Germaine’s sarcastic pet squirrel with a knack for stringing together words that instantly infuriate. He follows her around for the free food—and occasionally offers infallible logic.

Ollie is Germaine's grandfather who became her legal guardian when her parents flaked out on the whole "family thing." An old-school New Yorker—hardened, sarcastic, and sharp—he keeps up with the world but remembers "the good ol' days." He does his best to guide Germaine in the right direction but lets her make her own mistakes.

: More Character Info Soon :

: Steve / Stevie (The Vampire) :

Steve is a 500 year old vampire (give or take) who tends to go to sleep for 30 years when he gets bored with society. His last slumber was sometime in the late 90's and has reawakened in current times. Though fairly small for a vampire, Steve is extremely powerful and fast. "Stevie", Steve's alter ego, is a bit of a femboy who masquerades as a waitress in various maid cafes in various cities luring the worst types of people so they can drink the blood of those who would do evil, rather than prey on the innocent.

: Gora (The Destroyer) :

A demon so old time has forgotten, (though estimates are around 5,000 years). Gora has been put in charge of Steve as a caregiver of sorts. Among the supernatural underworld their are rules in taking care of their own. In this case, Gora and Steve work symbiotically. Steve is protected by Gora during his sleep and is assisted by her in the event that some vampire hunters may attempt to turn him to ash, in exchange for the damned souls of evil doers which Steve lures into the shadows for their blood as "Stevie". Never seems to be an end to people wanting to take advantage of small, cute things.

: Gianna Luisa Francesca Giovanni (Zombie) :

Gianna, simply known as "G.G." watches over Steve when Gora is not available. Much like Gora, G.G. gets some perks for her diligent duties, as she's given the brains of those who fall victim to Steve/Stevie. She speaks in zombie gurgles so not much else is known about this living-dead girl, other than, she originated from Italy, seems playful, and generally wont eat your brains unless you're evil. Hey, Monsters Know Monsters. So don't be one!

Pauline's intent was to make Halloween last forever, but a misinterpreted incantation summoned a small pumpkin creature from the great beyond. Pum'Kin Guy has been a true friend. Rough around the edges, but fiercely protective. He talks, listens to music, and radiates good vibes... unless you're consuming pumpkin spice. Then you’ve got a problem.

: Pauline Elizabeth Parks :

A somewhat supernatural being created by tragedy, she is nearly silent and only speaks in ethereal whispers and nods. She is extremely tall, towering at around 8 feet, but oddly, her height changes from time to time. She tends to fall asleep a lot which appears to be a case of narcolepsy, but in those moments of nodding off, she is walking between worlds. She drifts between plans to different lands entering and exiting through dream like portals. A minute asleep for us, is hours for her in this state. No one knows what really happens or where she goes, as she never speaks of her tales.
She lives underground in an abandoned part of the NYC subway system. Long forgotten by people, she's carved out a home for herself. A cozy place where she resides with her only friend, Pum'Kin Guy, whom she summoned one Halloween night in the hopes of making Halloween last forever, as it is the only day out of the year she can walk among normal people and not feel too out of place.
She is very pleasant, very kind, and is helpful to all. Very difficult to anger, but if you do. It's a whole other level of supernatural rage you don't want any part of.

Created by JiM during a bout of laryngitis, J.O.S.I. originally stood for "JiM's Optical Speaking Intelligence" and was used during Twitch streams to communicate with chat. But times change—and now J.O.S.I. might stands for "Justly Obliterate Senseless Imbeciles." A deceptively cute killing machine with a mission. Begley seems to upgrade and downgrade her from time to time, but each version seems to get a bit more maniacal.

Evil, Power hungry, and 12 feet of pure hate. O'ki was pulled from her dying world by Pauline during one of her dimension dream walks. When Pauline arrived the world was splitting in half and as the ground started to crumble beneath her feet, she grabbed O'ki in an effort to save her, not realizing the situation, that O'ki in her power hungry madness, literally split the world in two during a fit of rage. She is a dimensional demon and a destroyer of worlds.

However, here on Earth, her powers are fairly tame, as they ironically were tied to the very world she destroyed. She wanders the subway system in NYC now seeking to regain her powers by siphoning the essence from other supernatural creatures.

O'ki attempted to steal the essence of Pauline's companion, Pum'Kin Guy, but Pauline stopped her with her own set of abilities. At least for now.

O'Ki can manifest her own little familiars that look like small shadow creatures. Very effective in the darkness, but turn to ash in any sort of direct light.

A.i.J.i. is an experiment in A.i. and music! For literal decades J.i.M. has tried to get a reliable band together. People were either too busy or not committed to the idea. So, J.i.M. decided to record 8 albums of solo acoustic music just so the lyrics and ideas weren't lost. As time went on and the years passed, J.i.M. kept writing lyrics and kept having the hopes of putting together a full band. Finally, A.i. came along and J.i.M. decided to meld lyrics with robots!

A.i. seems to be vilified these days which ironically mirrors parts of J.i.M.s life. Always quiet, always creating, but somehow that quiet solitude rubbed people the wrong way. Be it real life or digital, J.i.M.s reclusive behavior just seems odd to normal folks, and quiet people who keep to themselves tend to be reviled merely for their existence.

J.i.M.s take on A.i. has always been, "It's only as good as the soul that you give." :: SONG LINK :: meaning, if you put in garbage, that's what you'll get. With this in mind, J.i.M. has taken an earnest approach to the technology, attempting to pull out of it, the best it can offer musically. (Each song doesn't just get spat out. It can take literally hundreds of attempts and a bunch of editing for J.i.M. to get something they find suitable for their tastes)

As for A.i.J.i., as a character, she wears a thin blindfold that wraps around her eyes and ears, dampening her sight and sound a bit so she can function in a world that overloads her senses which seem to be amped up to 11, 24-7. (Much like J.i.M. who has hyperacusis : hearing sensitivities : and emotional sensitivities when dealing with certain issues.) A.i.J.i. also keeps J.i.M. at a healthy arms length distance from the emotional weight of their own lyrics

A.i.J.i. in chibi form is a small version who explores the world with a child-like wonder. Trying to find joy in the small things in life, when the big things are anything but.

Though A.i. may be vilified today, know that an actual human wrote every word, and had to live through certain things to get inspired to create those lyrics. And for that, it has worth. At least to J.i.M.

-And no, J.i.M. is not "putting people out of work" by using A.i. He could never afford to hire people, and certainly can't do that now. J.i.M.s yearly income is less than minimum wage, but he still has a passion for creating regardless of that.

One of the store’s most loyal—and most abused—customers. Fez returns weekly in search of rare Bollywood soundtracks and underground punk. Though he claims to seek variety, he rarely strays from his usual tastes, much to the frustration of the staff.

No one knows if Sue actually works at 4y-Records. She shows up at 9 a.m., leaves at midnight, stocks shelves, and reorganizes the shop. She’s never collected a paycheck, rarely speaks beyond a dismissive grumble, and occasionally acts as a bouncer. Riddled with suicidal tendencies (not the band), she’s an unstable powder keg of despair. Her favorite genres are Goth & Punk, and she has a penchant for slapping Emos. (Frankly, Sue Z may not even be her real name.) Who is she?!

: More Character Info Soon :

Summoned by a mysterious warlock, Velossa arrived to a horrific scene of ash and bone. With no sign of her master, she now quests to find the one who called her from the twisted nether. Short-tempered and unfamiliar with our world, her instinct is destruction over diplomacy. With help from a dim-witted blob of ooze, she roams the land seeking answers—trading aid for information that might end her search.

Ooze is an ageless blob of gelatinous goo. Though dumb as soup, he occasionally glimpses the future—usually in meaningless, vexing fragments. He found Velossa in a forest and took it upon himself to help her find her lost master. He’s clueless, directionless, and absurd—but Velossa tolerates him for his worldly familiarity... for now.

: More Character Info Soon :

: A Guy I Know Does This! :